Just discovered I might have ADHD.

by Tiffany

Hi! My name is Tiffany, I am 23 and the single mom of a 3 year old boy. After struggling for years and year and never being able to figure out what was wrong, I finally stumbled upon this quite by accident and have never found anything that fits my life so perfectly.

I had all the signs as a child ( hyperactivity, tons of energy, a poor ability to pay attention to facial expressions and body language ( I bothered people with my energy), was bored a lot, could not focus on school for long periods of time, on and on) However, my parents homeschooled me so I was able to work at my own pace and take as many breaks as I needed to and I learned quite well this way.

When I was older, my grandparents becaime ill, so my mom sent me to school... I was ahead and always excelled in my classs because I loved learning and everything was easy enough for me that I never had to study. I was involved in everything from volleyball to choir, to weight training.

However, I couldn’t seem to stay in the same school, I got bored and restless, and started having anxiety about going to classes.

I changed schools several times, always doing well in class, but tiring of the routine and eventually developing anxiety about it. As a result, my parents put me In concurrent college to finish my last two years of high school. There I could pick class times and live with my crazy schedule and miss if I needed to or even leave.

I still didn’t have to study or even try very hard and so did well at this.

I always had trouble getting to sleep because my mind couldn’t shut off and could never completely sit still and somehow, no matter how hard I tried, could never seem to keep my room clean. (again, did not connect any of this to adhd because I thought i ADHD was just hyperactivity and only in kids) as I got older and had to take on more responsibilities, my attention became more irrational, I couldn’t pick a career path even though I knew I could be good at anything, I couldn’t ever focus on a major long enough to complete it and just built up random credits till I finally got an associate degree.

Always felt like I had all this potential but could never focus it so I was always fretting about running out of time and I was so impatient about everything. I never could stick with a relationship because what I wanted was always changing, but when my son was born is when it became tragic.

When he was tiny and I could do other things while watching him it was ok, but now that he is older, my priorities, I can’t seem to get them right. I go off on these sporadic trips that I plan I plan in middle of the night ( we live with my parents so it’s not a hard thing to do and I pay them) because that is nothing I love and gives me a sense of self worth again because that’s one thing I can seem to focus on.

It seems like I can focus on all the wrong things. Nice things, but not the right things. I set time to play with my son, but I get distracted and I never stay very long.

I hate it and it hurts me and I hate myself for it because he deserves better, but I just can’t seems to get it and I get so impatient with him.

Because of all this and all the crazy symptoms, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but the meds did nothing. Not knowing about the weird energy that sometimes comes with ADHD, the closest thing I could find with my symptoms was Bipolar.

The doctor put me through all those meds and they did nothing. I began to think it was just me, I was just lazy, and a horrible person and somehow I couldn’t fix it. I finished a respiratory degree and got a job at a children’s hospital over night and hated it. It was repetitive and I felt isolated and there was no one to talk to and I felt useless and stuck and came so close to quitting, trying to move into a field that made more sense with me restless personality but was absolutely miserable at work and felt sick every day after finishing and doing the bare minimum.

I couldn’t do it for the kids, they just made me sad. Until, One day I stayed up with a friend to help them study all night and then realized that I had to drive to Dallas the next morning. My friend who has ADHD have me an Adderall to keep me from wrecking. I didn’t know anything about Adderall. I knew that caffeine was suppose to help people with ADHD so I assumed it was something like that only an extreme version.

It kept me awake, but beyond that, it gave me focus. I knew what I wanted, the crazy ( while basically good) things that I would get so focused on ( travel, friends, education, men) came down to a normal level of priority.

I wanted to be with my son, I wanted to be a part of his life while before that caused me fear and anxiety because I felt inadequate because of how I was.

I wanted to clean my room and keep my house. It wasn’t energy or euphoria, but more like I was able to be the person I wanted to be, the person I knew I should be without fear and self doubt. I had just met this guy and thought the reason I was feeling that way was because of him... like he was making me want to settle down etc. but of course when the Adderall went away, the lack of focus and fear of failure because of it came right back.

It wasn’t until he gave it to me again ( 6 months or so later) to help stay awake for a double shift at work due to a winter storm. ( I work 12 hour shifts at a children’s hospital) that all that came back again and I realized it must be the medicine, so I became curious about Adderall and how/why it could make things so much better.

Now it’s difficult for me to focus on things, but when I am able to focus, whatever it may be on, it’s like laser focus almost to an obsessive point. This usually winds me up with a bunch of internet research that is meaningless to actual life, but this time it was on Adderall and is how I stumbled upon the actual symptoms of ADHD and realized that it fit my life exactly and that it could even be the cause of my depressing and anxiety.

In all my searching to try to fix me I have never read anything that fits my personal symptoms and thoughts and experiences so well.

I have made an appointment and go in to a doctor tomorrow. This is a new doctor that I’ve never seen before because I was dismissed from my last dr due to too many missed appointments. I am very nervous about taking to him about it because now that I’ve read up on it, there is a huge stigma about people pretending to have it to get the drugs.

Now that I know what’s going on, I want to work on it. I don’t want to go in like I’m asking for meds, but because I’ve already taken them two separate times, I know they work and will definitely help.. along with some therapy from someone who knows about the disease of course, I want all the help I can get.

I just want to be alright finally and be able to fix me enough to be a good and attentive mom to my son so he knows I love him, but I’m just nervous about the dr. And also now that I know what adderal is... I have been looking in these blogs and there is so much abuse and so many horror stories. I just want to do it right and finally be the best I can be.