My life, The Good and Ugly

by Jenny Howard
(Onawa)

Gosh, I don't know how to start this.. I know you all have been in MY shoes, I've read your stories... I have felt so alone in my life no one to truly understand where I traveled in my mind to the outer limits of my body meeting everyone else face to face & fighting, anger, misunderstanding me, my mouth working overtime, rude comments I blurted then regretted, things I typed out & mailed to whomever had upset me & later on coming to my senses realizing I made a fool of myself, wishing I was dead, not able to play with other kids or my siblings, feeling empty, lost in life like why was I even born, fighting with my mother over petty things, becoming a bad parent, or a misunderstood parent, Cravings that just would not stop!

Music was my "A" class, everything was my "F" classes. I couldn't keep a job people made fun of me, called me lazy, called me stupid in school. I am not crazy or stupid. I taught myself to operate a computer. I taught myself to decorate cakes no classes.

Of course my family never let me make their kids cakes, had to be done by a bakery, I loved my semi sloppy work so did kids, parents just shook their heads, I got better, everything in life takes practice, patience (I HAD NO PATIENCE!) It's why I had trouble raising my kids, plus I was divorced. I felt threatened plus my mother was evil to me, monkey see monkey do, she screamed her head off at ME only..
My siblings saw her helpful side..

I'm not on her list of kids, she took my daughter from me & raised her thru high school, she called me a bad daughter-mother I felt ugly, I felt she inflicted me with her evilness...

I have a good caring heart. I LOVE animals so much.
I love to cook, write poetry I've written tons about my life, I love to doodle and draw faces, I love to sing music in karaoke, its where I felt I was liked & people clapped, sober ones too, I am now 52, diagnosed at age 44 with Dysthymia, then in 2007 with ADHD inattentive; borderline personality disorder, borderline bipolar tendencies, Dyscalculia, and eating disorder.

I drank booze from 1996 (yr after daughter was taken) to 2007. I'm now sober. since my aunt died in Feb 2007. My world stopped, she took half my body with her to heaven, the half on earth was getting enriched with psycho-therapy & medication. Now medication free.
I've let go of my past, let go of alcoholics(my mother starts drinking when she gets up a real closet drinker).. I didn't want to turn into her...
I learned to pray for forgiveness & I prayed to turn my life around to be a good person...
I'm getting there... :)